Comedian Josh Gondelman’s 24-Hour Google Diary

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Ah, the Internet, recipient of our queries, our secrets, our desires, our fears. If anyone knows why we are the way we are, it’s Google, which is why we asked the comedian Josh Gondelman, a writer and producer on Desus & Mero and a man in possession of an iron will (“I managed to go a whole day without Googling my own name”), to record everything he searched for during a cold, cooped-up 24-hour period (before the spread of COVID-19, it bears mentioning) in the doldrums of winter. Not the things he wished he’d Googled, but what he actually did. Here’s what he turned up.

Tuesday, February 25, 10:56 p.m.

joe biden hair plugs

By the tenth Democratic primary debate, I was pretty exhausted, so I abdicated my civic duty to watch the Boston Celtics play the Portland Trail Blazers. Still, I was following along with the action on Twitter, and when I saw that Joe Biden said the biggest misconception about him is, quote, “I have more hair than I think I do,” my first thought was Did Joe Biden forget that he has hair plugs? Then, to make sure I wasn’t misremembering Biden’s elective hair-restoration surgery, I searched “joe biden hair plugs” and was vindicated.

Tuesday, 11:04 p.m.

54 below calendar

Scrolling through Instagram, I saw that my friend Natalie would be performing a show at 54 Below in midtown. In the time it took me to look up whether I was free on the night of the show, my app refreshed and I lost the link she had posted and had to search for the club’s calendar.

Wednesday, February 26, 9:42 a.m.

youtube tonight show bts

On my train to the office, I remembered a discussion with a coworker the day before about how big a global phenomenon the K-pop band BTS is, so I looked up the views for their performance on Monday night’s Tonight Show. This is what the Internet is best for, in my opinion: winning petty arguments. Then, for fun, I watched the video and was struck by how good BTS’s choreography is and how big Grand Central Terminal (where the performance was filmed) looks when it’s not full of 10 million people all inexplicably trying to go to Connecticut.

Wednesday, time unknown

shit is fucked up and bullshit

This is, obviously, a fact. But also it’s the name of the new book by Malcolm Harris. I wanted to buy it, but ideally not from Amazon, so I found its page on the publisher’s website, ordered it, and then ordered his first book from Powell’s in Portland, which I had been meaning to do and then forgot.

Wednesday, time unknown

why does kelsey grammer sound british

It’s just that mid-Atlantic accent that actors use to sound fancy.

Wednesday, 8:28 p.m.

red lobster lobsterfest

Saw an ad for Red Lobster. Googled Lobsterfest. In many ways, I am a fairly simple animal.

Wednesday, 10:45 p.m.

joel embiid injury

Just before bed, I checked in on my fantasy basketball team and noticed that Philadelphia 76ers star Joel Embiid had played only eight minutes, so I checked to see if he was hurt. He’s expected to be out for a week or two, and I’d like to take this space to say: Get well soon, big guy!

This article appears in the April/May issue of Esquire. Subscribe

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